The Kidnapping of Patty Hearst (feat. Kristen Wiig) – Drunk History

The Kidnapping of Patty Hearst (feat. Kristen Wiig) – Drunk History


WELL, HELLO. TODAY, WE’RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT
THE KIDNAPPING OF PATTY HEARST. SO PATTY HEARST IS DESCENDED
FROM WILLIAM RANDOLPH HEARST. HE IS A VERY WEALTHY MAN.
AND HER DAD IS RANDOLPH HEARST. BUT ESSENTIALLY,
THEY OWN ALL OF THE MEDIA. AND SO, YOU KNOW,
SHE’S FROM THAT KIND OF– THE PEOPLE
WHO MADE THE COUNTRY. AT 19, PATTY HEARST
WAS LIVING IN BERKELEY IN THIS NICE APARTMENT
THAT HER PARENTS ARE PAYING FOR. SO THEY’RE SITTING AT HOME, AND SHE’S READING
IN HER BATHROBE WITH HER FIANCE. AND THEN THERE’S, LIKE,
A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. [dog barking]
NO. CUTIE, IT’S OKAY, IT’S OKAY. IT’S FAKE. THEY DIDN’T HAVE DOGS. QUIET!
QUIET, QUIET, QUIET! SHE OPENS THE DOOR. LIKE, OH, CAN WE HELP YOU? OH, WE RAN OUT OF GAS MONEY.
BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THEY ALL CAME POURING IN. AND THEY’RE LIKE, AHH! AND THEY BEAT UP
THE MATH TEACHER, STRANGLE HER,
AND TAKE HER CAPTIVE. BRING HER IN A VAN
OVER TO THEIR HEADQUARTERS. SHE’S BLINDFOLDED.
SHE’S GAGGED. I DON’T KNOW IF SHE’S GAGGED.
SHE’S DEFINITELY BLINDFOLDED. THEY PUT HER IN THIS CLOSET.
IT’S LIKE THE SIZE OF A CLOSET. AND SHE DOESN’T KNOW
WHAT’S HAPPENING, REALLY. SO IT’S 57 DAYS
SHE’S IN THIS ROOM. SO FINALLY, ONE DAY, THEY LET HER GET OUT
OF THE CLOSET, AND THEY TAKE OFF
HER BLINDFOLD. AND SHE LOOKS OUT
AND SHE SEES ALL THE PEOPLE. SHE’S LIKE, OH, MY GOD,
YOU’RE SO BEAUTIFUL. OH, WHO ARE THESE PEO– LIKE, YOU GUYS LIKE–
YOU’RE MY MOMMY. THIS IS ESSENTIALLY
WHAT STOCKHOLM SYNDROME IS. THAT WAS THE SYMBIONESE
LIBERATION ARMY. “SYMBIONESE” IS NOT A WORD. IT’S–THEY KINDA MADE IT UP. THEY’RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST PEOPLE
IN THE WORLD. NOW YOUR NAME’S TANIA. AND THIS IS YOUR NEW LIFE. AND SHE’S LIKE… OKAY. [upbeat rock] AND THEN THEY DO
A PHOTO SHOOT, AND SHE PUT THE BERET ON
AND A MACHINE GUN, AND SHE’S, LIKE,
ALL WITH THE S.L.A. SO SHE STARTED RECORDING
THESE AUDIO TAPES AND SENDING THEM
TO HER PARENTS. MOM, DAD, I’M OKAY. BUT I NEED YOU TO FEED
EVERY POOR PERSON. THAT ENDS UP BEING
LIKE 300,000. $300 MILLION. THEY’RE ALREADY STUPID.
LIKE, THEY COULD NOT COUNT. AND THE HEARSTS ARE LIKE,
WE DON’T HAVE THAT MUCH MONEY. WE’LL GIVE YOU $3 MILLION. WHATEVER, DUDE. I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE? SO THEY STARTED ALL THESE LIKE,
UM, FOOD KINDA TRUCKS ON THE CORNERS
OF SAN FRANCISCO, AND THEY WOULD START,
LIKE, DISTRIBUTING FOODS. AND THEN THEY SAID
THEY WANTED EVEN MORE. MOM, DAD,
THERE WAS NO BEEF OR LAMB. THAT’S NOT THE KINDA FOOD THAT YOU SHOULD BE GIVING
TO POOR PEOPLE. THAT FOOD SUCKED. MEANWHILE, EVERYONE’S, LIKE,
WORRIED ABOUT HER. HER FAMILY IS FREAKING OUT. SO THEY’RE JUST LIKE,
WHAT THE [bleep] IS HAPPENING? AND THEY’RE DRESSED IN BLACK,
AND THEY’RE SAYING, WE DON’T KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED TO PATTY. WHAT’S GONNA HAPPEN? AND THEN SHE’S LIKE, MOM, TAKE OFF
THAT DUMB BLACK DRESS. IT’S NOT HELPING ANYTHING.
YOU’RE EMBARRASSING US. LIKE, I’M NOT DEAD.
I’M ALIVE. AND I FEEL THAT
WHAT YOU’RE DOING IS WRONG, BEING A RICH PERSON. AND I’M HERE
TO BE PART OF THE PEOPLE… OF THE PEOPLE PEOPLE. BASICALLY, WHAT HAPPENS IS
THEY DECIDE… I FORGOT TO PEE. – DO A JELL-O SHOT WITH–
COME HERE…LYDIA. DAVE.
– DEREK. – DEREK.
– NO, THAT’S DAVE. – SO WHAT DO–
I’VE NEVER DONE A JELL-O SHOT. – PUT YOUR FINGER IN IT. – YOU JUST GIVE IT A LITTLE STIR
SO EVERYTHING GOES DOWN SMOOTH. – OKAY.
– MORE THAN THAT. YOU HAVE, LIKE, WOMAN HANDS. – GIVE YOUR FINGER A LICK,
SHAKE IT UP. – SHAKE IT UP, THEN DO IT.
MM-HMM. THAT’S GOOD, ISN’T IT? – [laughing]
– ISN’T IT GOOD? – IT’S KIND OF A BAD DECISION
WITH YOUR LIFE… – MM-HMM.
BAD DECISION. – BUT IT’S EFFICIENT. – THIS DOES NOT TASTE GOOD.
– NO. – IT TASTES A LITTLE GOOD. – THE NEXT TIME WE SEE HER, SHE’S GOT A MACHINE GUN
AT A BANK, AND SHE’S LIKE,
MY NEW NAME IS TANIA, GET THE [bleep] DOWN. AND SO SHE’S LIKE,
DOING THIS, LIKE– YOU KNOW, LIKE, THREATENING
EVERYBODY IN THE BANK. AND SHE’S KINDA INTO IT. IT’S IN THE NEWS. AND HER PARENTS
OWN THE NEWSPAPER. SO IT’S LIKE–
IT’S EVERYWHERE. PEOPLE ARE LIKE, PATTY HEARST.
WHERE IS SHE? WHAT’S HAPPENING? THIS IS LIKE ALL THAT THE NEWS
IS TALKING ABOUT. WHAT’S HAPPENING
WITH PATTY HEARST? AND SO THIS BANK ROBBERY
IS THE FIRST TIME THAT SHE HAS, LIKE,
BEEN OUT IN THE PUBLIC. AND THEY DON’T CATCH HER. AND THEN, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
IN L.A., THERE’S A SHOOTING. AND THE POLICE ARE ALL THERE.
THEY START SHOOTING. THE WHOLE HOUSE IS JUST LIKE–
BECOMES FLAMES. AND EVERYONE THINKS
PATTY HEARST IS IN THE HOUSE. WELL, HERE’S WHAT HAPPENS. PATTY’S STILL ALIVE
AND SHE’S WITH THIS COUPLE, WATCHING IT IN A HOTEL
IN ANAHEIM. HI, BLANCHE.
COME HERE. SO PEOPLE– PEOPLE START– WHAT WAS I SAYING? [laughing] SHE MOVES TO SAN FRANCISCO, AND SHE JUST STARTS, LIKE,
LIVING HER LIFE, GOING GROCERY SHOPPING,
DOING WHATEVER. THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
ONE DAY, LIKE, ON A ERRAND, PATTY HEARST GETS SPOTTED. SOMEONE RECOGNIZES HER. AND WHEN SHE COMES INTO JAIL, SHE’S GOTTA SAY
WHAT HER PROFESSION IS. AND SHE SAYS “URBAN GUERILLA.” THEY SENTENCE HER
TO 35 YEARS IN JAIL. AND THEN AFTER 22 MONTHS,
CARTER COMMUTED HER. WHEN SHE COMES OUT OF PRISON,
SHE IS LIKE, I’M SO EXCITED,
I’M ABOUT TO GO ON VACATION. SHE’S, LIKE, A GREAT EXAMPLE
OF A REALLY RICH PERSON WHO COULD’VE JUST, LIKE,
STAYED AN IDIOT AND WHO WAS LIKE,
NOW I UNDERSTAND, LIKE… WHAT IT’S LIKE. SHE WAS REALLY ATTRACTIVE. I HAVE TO GET SOME WATER.
– OKAY.

100 thoughts on “The Kidnapping of Patty Hearst (feat. Kristen Wiig) – Drunk History

  1. Why did you have to ruin the potential of this episode by putting scumbag natasha legero in it? She doesn't even count as a comedian, and shes just a really awful person.

  2. Shout to CC for getting Kristen Wiig & Elizabeth Olsen to do the sketches, but I want them to get drunk!!🥳😝😉

    I want to see like Anne Hathaway & Brad Pitt recounting history wasted!🙏🏾🙏🏾🙏🏾

  3. I'm not so sure Patty saw it the way this one does. https://www.nydailynews.com/entertainment/gossip/confidential/patty-hearst-wonders-metoo-doesn-include-article-1.3774904

  4. Was watching it, minding my own business and then bamm, is that fucking Terry Crews with an afro??!!You have my complete and undivided attention.

  5. Wait, there's no real positive lesson here though! Patty Hearst avoided jail thanks to her family's political power, she failed to really grasp what the SLA wanted and she was just all around an ignorant rich girl.

  6. a COLSTON WESTBROOK project… And the couple she was in the motel room with was Indiana narcs who, along with Jim Jones, was trained in psychological warfare by DAN MITRIONE.

  7. I will never believe that she was kidnapped. I will always believe that she knew her 'kidnappers', and she helped planed her own 'kidnapping'.

  8. How did I know that was Terry Crews without reading the description just by his arms when they rushed in🤣💪🏾

  9. They have a party when they do this?! I was imagined them awkwardly drinking alone slowly getting drunk enough to do the episode

  10. I don't know if these people telling the story are actually drunk.. just based on the ones I've watched.. this chick here sure looks the most legitimately drunk.. very authentic 🥃

  11. I just love how lush Natasha Leggero is! I can't wait until she's like Joan Rivers old, still rocking furs and popping Veuve Cliquot!

  12. Someone needs to do 2pak's moms!!! It's AWESOME!!!

    Yet don't reveal that she's his moms…until the ass end…you know…for dramatic effect…xD

  13. Say what you want about Paris Hilton, but she never put a gun to somebody…& WTF!!!??? He may have women hands…but you have women boobs…so…

  14. "She's like an example of a really rich person who could've stayed an idiot?" Another sad, fascist revisionist reading of history, shitting on the disenfranchised. So the moral of this corporate bastardization of history is obscene inequality, myopic blights on the history of civilization, it's better to act like the pampered spawn of a media mogul cretin than address life or death issues for large portions of societies? WTF? Condescend much? Fuck you, Viacom Fascists! Can't stomach this trash anymore. Die with cable TV, obnoxious pigs. Unsubscribed.

  15. Oh my god I listened to the female criminals podcast about the story of Patty’s kidnapping before I stumbled upon this— 12/10 would recommend

  16. I hope there’s an episode of Drunk history with H Jon Benjamin as a guest because whenever I look at Derek Waters all I think of is H Jon Benjamin

  17. This is an example how if your rich & white & especially a woman you can buy yourself out of anything. This is bullshit.

  18. I never have, nor will I ever believe that she was kidnapped ! She joined the organization to make Daddy mad and then when shit got real she bailed and wanted to play the victim !

  19. Patty Hearst was kept in a closet and repeatedly raped and abused in order to break her down. The bank she robbed (Hibernia Bank) was right across the street from my dentist in the Sunset District of San Francisco.

  20. And this is how history became fucked up for all of us. Not to mention, the people who lived it. Fuck it, what is it going to hurt at this point.

  21. Lmao. This is my new favourite show to watch on YouTube. Reminds me of Hysteria. Learned a lot of history from that show.

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