Trying Blossom’s Fake Food Life Hacks

Trying Blossom’s Fake Food Life Hacks

Today’s video is sponsored by Scentbird. JARVIS: What do you even wear for a date?
I mean, my full-sized Spiderman costume is at the cleaner,
so… I guess this will have to do. And now to freshen up a bit. [exhale] [sniff] [disgusted noise] Aw man. I’m out of cologne. ???: No you’re not. JARVIS: aHH– ???: Look in your hands. I just sent you a shipment from Scentbird. The monthly subscription service that lets you choose new designer fragrances for both women and men each month. JARVIS: Who are you? FUTURE JARVIS: I’m you from the fancy future. Anyway, for only 15 dollars a month,
you can get a 30 day supply, that’s a hundred and twenty two hundred and forty
sprays of incredible scents. Like “Fortitude” by Robert Graham. A FIGHTER FOR THE RESISTANCE. Or, “Luna Rossa” by Prada,
which you’re holding right now. JARVIS: What’s going on? FUTURE JARVIS: You can also upgrade for
extra products each month if you’re fancy like me. Which, you are, because WE ARE FOREVER LINKED. Try Scentbird today and use my promo code
for 30% off and you can SAVE THE FUTURE I mean, uhh. Have a good date. [spritz of cologne] JARVIS: …wow. It smells like… The prophecy? FUTURE JARVIS: PRECISELY. Did you know that they just let people
say whatever they want online? (laughs) Seems like an oversight,
if you ask me. I just finished watching an
awful viral video from Blossom, called “Is your food fake or real? Find out with these–” “–16 easy tests at home!” DUMB JARVIS: What? My food might be fake? JARVIS: It’s been out for a couple of days and it
already has 100 million views on Facebook alone. (laughing) And it’s already gone viral on Twitter
and Instagram and Youtube. DUMB JARVIS: I better watch this to make
sure I’m not eating something weird. I mean, 75 million views…
it must be good, right? JARVIS: No, dumb Jarvis. It’s not good. They’re just making things up. In fact, they’ve introduced a problem that no one in modern society has to worry about. DUMB JARVIS: You know, I don’t know why I
like scrolling up and down on Facebook so much, but what I DO know is that it’s my choice,
and my choice alone. Alright, it’s time for a nice BALANCED meal. FACEBOOK: HEY. MAYBE YOUR FOOD’S F*CKING FAKE, DUDE. DUMB JARVIS: Woah. I never thought about that, trusty Facebook algorithm known for it’s bulletproof track record. FACEBOOK: When have I ever lead you wrong? I’m always looking out for you, buddy. DUMB JARVIS: That is true. After all, I never would’ve found out that
9/11 was an inside job if it weren’t for you. FACEBOOK: Good times. Also, you can’t forget about that time
that I told you that JZ and Beyonce are both… DUMB JARVIS: Lizard people?
FACEBOOK: Lizard people. DUMB JARVIS: Okay, you’re always right.
You don’t have to keep rubbing it in. FACEBOOK: Take another look. DUMB JARVIS: Okay, fine… Oh my god. I can’t believe it. This whole time… This whole time, I’ve been eating… A collection of short stories by
Ray Bradbury?! JARVIS: Now before we get into the
plastic meat and potatoes, I wanted to point out that this video is made by Blossom. If you’re not familiar with Blossom,
they’re another one of those content farms that, uh, make pointless content to
harvest clicks for views. It’s like another 5 Minute Crafts. With amazing life hacks, like: When you forget that you didn’t clean the
black tar off your strainer, before putting it back in the drawer. Or, or, completely relatable situations like: When you’re folding laundry, and suddenly
decide to turn yourself into a hoodie crab. [creaking bed noises] We’ve all been there. Or maybe you remember them from
last year, where they claimed that you can turn
peanut butter and hot coal into DIAMONDS overnight. Well, it’s safe to say, that much like a
male cow overcoming constipation: Blossom is back on its bullsh*t. And why shouldn’t they be?
The video that the clip is from (which is only HALF fake) was the most viewed video on Facebook in 2018. (at least, according to them) And in this business: if something works… It’s going to be repeated. So… uh. Watch my video on High School
Musical, I worked really hard on it. So let’s get into it, shall we? [♫] We start off by comparing processed
cheese and natural cheese And it looks like processed cheese… doesn’t melt as well. So we’re just coming out of
the gate with nonsense, I guess. Processed cheese isn’t some sort of
evil secret of the food industry. It’s something we buy on purpose. And melting is one of its main… …strengths? Processed cheese isn’t difficult to melt,
it just turns black like most things do when you hold them next to a f*cking fire. JARVIS: “Okay…” “I’m ready.” “I got my handy coffee.” “And we got Steve behind the camera.” STEVE: “Hello.” JARVIS: “We’re gonna test some of Blossom’s…” “…claims.” “I’m pretty sure they’re all fake, but, figure
we may as well put it to the test, right?” “Um… I’ve got some Kraft singles, here.” “The finest of processed cheese.” “Nice American cheese.” “This is, like, you know, a metaphor for
America.” “Processed, “artificial, “um…” “orange?” “We also have some mild cheddar cheese.” “Some natural cheese, if you will.” “Uhhh…” “See how this burns.” “5 Minute Crafts? More like…” “5 Minute Kraft.” “That’s more of a…” “That’s more of a written joke.” “So we got the natural cheese,
we got the natural cheddar,” “then we’ve got the American.” “And I’ve got a lighter, so I guess
we’re just gonna, like,” “burn this, and see how it goes?” “Okay, so it seems to, like, be bubbly.” “It’s like, of course it burns, like–” STEVE: [laughs] JARVIS: “Make sure these windows are open.” (Lighthearted Instrumental starts again) [exhausted] “Okay…” “That was close.” “Now I’m out of breath.” “How much were they heating this up?” “It’s like, if the flame were further away,
it would melt how we expect it to.” “I don’t really know if there’s anything to learn.” “So our… our lighter ran out of fluid.” “But luckily, Teresa, my roommate…” “…has a f*cking flamethrower.” “So I guess we’ll just try that?” [♫] “I think that’s enough of this.” “Now that the room smells exclusively of cheese,
let’s move onto the next hack.” [♫] JARVIS: I mean, a little wax isn’t gonna hurt you, but. Yeah. Wash your vegetables. Some of these lack the context to
even know what they’re talking about. Or, um.
Any context, for that matter. [♫] We melted some supplements in an oven, and, uh, some of them melted, so… [small chuckle] I think that means they’re bad. This statement is completely unsubstantiated;
you could say this about anything. Which reminds me, and, a lot of
people don’t know this: If peanut butter and jelly tastes
good to you, You only have 5 years left to live. Sorry! Also, rice is bad now. Apparently. [♫] [stunned silence] Hold on. Rice is too expensive, so they mix it with PLASTIC? Do you know what plastic is made out of? Oil. One of the cheapest things known
to man. You mean to tell me, that HALF of
Earth’s population eats rice everyday, and NO ONE has brought this up. Maybe they could’ve gotten away
with this, if it was like: “You know, sometimes, they sneak a little cotton candy
into pig brains when they run out of brains.” That I could maybe believe, or at least,
wouldn’t have enough context to check. But, they picked the most eaten food on the planet. Also, what really gets me, is that their test for
uncovering this grand conspiracy that your rice is fake… is just heating it up? Heating up rice is an unavoidable part of
the cooking process. It’s the one thing that you always
do when you’re cooking rice! Is there another way to prepare rice
that I’m not aware of? DUMB JARVIS: Rice? Yeah, I just blow on it. [CRONCH] JARVIS: And don’t even get me started on the
fact that when they heat up this plastic rice, it just turns transparent, instead of,
I don’t know, melting? Alright, so now they’re tackling baby food. DUMB JARVIS: Baby food?! But I love baby food! [♫] JARVIS: Wait… Ground up rocks? Do you– Do they know what a rock is? They’re just minerals! Calcium is also a rock. Everything is a rock. And they act as if this magnet test
is accomplishing anything. You know what’s magnetic and
supposed to be in baby food? Iron. DUMB JARVIS: [GASP] [whispered] Our babies are eating iron? JARVIS: Relax, it’s a mineral.
Haven’t you seen any commercial? COMMERCIAL: “Kellogg’s is the only bran flakes that
give you a full day’s supply of iron…” DUMB JARVIS: Wait… Spinach?… Rock! Broccoli?! ROCK! Dwayne Johnson?! ROCK– THEY’RE ALL ROCKS! [♫] JARVIS: Milk will turn blue if you put seaweed in it, if it’s not pure milk. What do you mean “pure milk?” Like, straight from the cow’s udder? ‘Cause otherwise, ‘Cause udderwise, something has been done to that milk. You know, whole milk, uh,
despite the name, is only 4% fat, So that means they took 96% of
something out of it. And it’s probably been pasteurized, Uh, you remember pasteurization,
from science? In case you forgot, pasteurization just
means that we can enjoy milk without worrying about typhoid fever. Also, rice milk is delicious. JARVIS: “They didn’t really give any details at all, which is
a theme, in all of these, but,” “I have, uhhh.” “Some premium roasted seaweed snacks,” “and, some milk.” “2 things that have never been paired together,” “but we’re gonna break some new ground today.” “Steve, you got so much seaweed.” “I guess-” “I guess I’m gonna start eating seaweed.” STEVE: “You’ll thank me.” JARVIS: “Are you a-” “Are you a big fan yourself?” STEVE: “It’s– It’s a nice uhm–” STEVE: “Like midday thing, when you’re…” STEVE: “You just want to move your jaw.” JARVIS: “The whole day, you haven’t
been moving your jaw at all, because” “you don’t work in a job where you talk to people?” STEVE: “Yes.”
“you don’t work in a job where you talk to people?” JARVIS: “So, to exercise your jaw, you
don’t go for the chewing gum…” STEVE: “No.” JARVIS: “You go for the seaweed.” “Hear that, kids?” “Eat your weed.” [crunchy seaweed bite] “Alright, this is definitely, like,
not the seaweed that they–” “I feel like they got seaweed,
like, directly from the sea.” “They don’t really explain why any of
the things happen that they do, but they say:” “‘If it’s pure milk…'” “Uhhh…” “Y-you’ll know.” “I abso– I know this is not gonna work.” “What’s this?!” “Steve. shut off the camera.” [gasping] “It turned bluuuueee!” STEVE: “I can’t believe we’ve been bested
by Blossom.” JARVIS: “I guess… point Blossom.” “juST KIDDING–” “PRANKED.” “PRANKED.” “YOU GOT PRANKED,” “YOU FREAKIN’ IDIOT.” “I used DYE.” “I used DYE, BLUE DYE.” “And I made it blue, myself.” “I guess we’re calling this one…” “A DEBUNK–” [♫] JARVIS: Coffee? This ought to be good. [♫] Pure coffee sinks… And coffee with additives floats. Oh, so this is just a lie? JARVIS: “If you’ve watched my channel
before, you know that I’m very into coffee.” [slurpp] “See?” “Maybe it isn’t obvious to you
little Folger’s drinkers out there,” “But, ANYONE who has used a french press,
or, a Chemex, like I have–” “I’ve used both of them, and know how to do so…” “Impeccably–” “–knows that fresh coffee floats.” “And…” “Uhh, what’s the other one?” STEVE: “Stale coffee.” JARVIS: “Stale coffee siiiiinks!” “Here I have some coffee beans that are, uh–” “Well, they smell nice, but they’re STALE.” “They’re at least…” “Well, these were roasted in March, so–” [laughing] “We’re gonna go ahead and grind these beans
because I buy whole bean coffee.” “See?” “Everyone knows…” “I mean, maybe you little
Starbucks heads don’t know…” “You have to buy whole bean coffee,
because it’s better…” “And I’m better” “than you.” “Huh.” “What I was saying there maybe
went a little bit over your head.” “We’ve now ground some coffee.” “Let’s see how our stale coffee did.” [dink donk coffee noises] “Oohhh.” “Look at the stale coffee sinking!” “Like a little bi*ch.” “Oh, is that mud? Is that mud
you’ve got there? No, it’s coffee!” “But unfortunately, it’s stale!” “After all, it was roasted in March!” [maniacal laughing] “Gonna clean off our, uh.” “Our little grinder receptacle thingy, because
we wouldn’t want to contaminate our fresh beans with” “beans that were roasted in March.” “Now we have some good old Phil’s Coffee.” “Everyone knows…” “I love Phil’s coffee.” [mmm tasty coffee] “See?” “This is the ‘Tesora,'” “It’s one of my personal favorites…” “…and it was roasted…” [confused shuffling of bag] “Well, they told me it was roasted yesterday, so…” “Y’know when it wasn’t roasted, Steve?” STEVE: “In March?” JARVIS: “That’s right.” [softer] “It wasn’t roasted in March.” “Alright, now back to the history of coffee..” [over loud whirring of food processor]
“You see, it all started with a coffee BERRY…” “And we’re done!” “It’s the moment of truth..” [mockingly] “Ohhh!” “Wowww!” “Ahhhhhh!” “A-debuuuuunkeed!” [nonchalantly to STEVE]
“So I’m just saying it’s BS. Do you want your glasses back?” STEVE: “Yes, please.” [♫] JARVIS: SALT… Is mixed with CHALK. You just poured in the salt, of course
it doesn’t immediately dissolve. Of course they don’t show us in the video
them putting pure salt into the water, Uhh, Because they didn’t. They just- they just took
a video of a normal glass of water. JARVIS: “We’ve got ourselves some Morton Salt here.” “Look at that little tube. You know
there’s chalk in there.” “Just waiting to be found out.” “Let’s see what happens.” “WOW.” “Wow.” “CHALK.” “CHALK.” “Look how cloudy it is.” “It was chalk this whole time.” “I found you out, Morton, you and your
little… umbrella!” “What are you hiding from!?” “The truth.” “It’s a truth umbrella.” STEVE: “Wait, so doesn’t this mean that
Blossom is right?” JARVIS: “Just kidding, AGAIN.” “PRANKED.” “PRANKED.” “I put in more salt than was soluble in
this volume of water,” “you freakin’ DIRK.” “Dirk?” “You JERK-IDIOT.” “This one’s also been–” [surprised] “Huh, I…” “I guess it DOES kind of clear up when
you give it time to settle.” “DE-” [lip warble? I have no clue what to call this sound is] JARVIS: I wanna talk about the end of this video
because it’s dystopian as f*ck. [♫] [mysteriously]
“KNOW THE FOOD YOU EAT” Why should I know the food I eat? You clearly don’t. Also it’s especially weird this is so dark, coming from Blossom who’s logo is
a baby with a flower around its head. “TRUST NO ONE.” So these facts are basically all
completely fake or… extremely misleading, and that– that’s kind of annoying. Like this story about fake green peas might be based on something that happened
in China, one time, nine years ago. It’s like, kind of related to the truth, but not at all. The facts are still wrong here, but That’s what I mean, like, it’s like “maybe?” So, I know I gave them a hard time.. But, since I have…
fans, all across the world. If you ARE watching this in Hudong[?], China
nine years ago, watch out. There’s also reasonable points to be
made about consumer awareness with food, but you just know that Blossom
doesn’t care about that at all. Or else, they would add more context to
their videos, or source their claims. They just want clicks. It’s a bit of a smokescreen, if you ask me,
because they want us to be vigilant about what’s in our food, but, ironically, we should
be paying attention to what’s in our feed. That’s good. I’m a professional Youtuber. [finger snap] Bam. One last weird thing I wanted to talk
about with Blossom is that One of the ways that they make money is
through grand partnerships since they’ve built this massive, like,
51 million follower Facebook page. But when I look them up in the Facebook ad library,
which I talked about in the Mobile Ads video, I saw that they were like, producing
ads for other brands. Two brands: One is just like, teeth whitening commercials And the other is like a “health app,” quote-unquote And the commercials are all about somebody
who’s, like, having a good date and then… They have some sort of pressing health issue. And they’re very strange, so I just wanna
show you one of those. So, this… very attractive man is wrapping up a date and just as he’s about to go in for the kiss: Uh-oh! Some sort of… chest pain. Hold on, uhh. Stop the presses, don’t go
into your house and end the date… I need to Google my chest pain. And then he’s scared by the autocomplete results. And then his date presents him with an app
that lets him ask some questions about his health and lets him diagnose himself right there at her door. Then it abruptly cuts to a workout montage where he’s aggressively working out while staring at a
photo of the girl he’s on a date with Like a serial killer. No, I don’t know why he has a framed photo of
a girl that he’s clearly only been on a few dates with. Oh, what’s that? You didn’t read “strenuous exercise”
down there at the bottom of the screen? In a different color and font size? And then he’s relieved that there’s, like a 1/5
chance that he needs medication for his chest problem. And then they kiss goodnight. Thanks, app! Using this app will get you a smooch. Billy242424 says “The future of healthcare is here!” He has, apparently, never heard of WebMD. You know, as much as I clowned on the ad,
I couldn’t help but like the main actor. He… Uhh, I mean. He gave a hell of a performance, and he’s
quite the looker if you ask me. Huh. Yeah, it’s probably nothing. [Jarvis has a heart attack] FUTURE JARVIS: It begins. JARVIS: “I’m currently at a casino for a wedding,
I’m just going to try and do this very… uh,” “inconspicuously.” “Thanks to ‘Marius Abercrombie Schaefer Palmour’
for sending me a message on Instagram.” “I have no idea if I’m saying that right.” “If you want me to butcher your name, uhh…” “Follow me on Twitter or Instagram,
and turn on notifications please.” [softly] “Okay I’m getting strange looks, bye.”

100 thoughts on “Trying Blossom’s Fake Food Life Hacks

  1. Well without bloosum I would have never found out I’ve been eating pure cardboard cause I didn’t know it wasn’t pure, how crazy.

  2. Actually that rice is made of plastic
    That white rice
    It even feels fake
    That's actaully a real thing that is probably happening

  3. My mom makes small pizzas that you don't cut and one person only. My sister is vegan so my mom puts vegan cheese on two of them. When my dad takes one of the vegan ones this happens

    Dad: Takes a vegan cheese pizza

    Sister: "Thats my vegan one"

    Dad: "What's going to happen to me"


  4. ann reardon on how to cook that actually also did a video about this. she's a food scientist and a dietitian and she explained why certain reactions happened, and also points that were absolute bullshit, like the babyfood one

  5. Also salt does have stuff in it so it doesnt clump up and that causes the foggyness, but it does nothing to you in anyway, pure seasalt just sinks, but it will not kill you or hurt you.

    The one cheese thing is the different in fat content, the "fake" cheese has less fat, the natural cheese melts cause of the fat content.
    Thats just a few things 😛

  6. Who the fuck has their excuses to school so you can go to Area 51 raid in sept 20 I have my excuse as “chest pain stomach pain back pain”

  7. Hey so uh, the fake rice thing is real, however it's not really in America but rather 3rd world countries n stuff

  8. Hey youtuber! Here's a YouTube who explains things scientifically! Your video is absolutely valid lmao

  9. Wait, wait, wait. Is nobody going to talk about the fact of how they just put dry uncooked rice in the pot? No water or anything.

  10. These opening skits are getting better and better.
    "Woah, this smells like . . . the prophecy?"


    Absolutely hilarious.

  11. What is 'natural' cheese anyway? Grows on the cheese tree? No. The process of turning milk into cheese is a process – all cheese is processed.

  12. I’d also like to say about the salt, ya know why chalk might be salt in tiny amounts? To stop it from clumping, or “caking”. That’s why it’s called an anti-caking agent.

  13. It's annoying to see channels like Blossom make the topic of food adulteration into a joke. In my country (Bangladesh), food adulteration is a genuine problem. They mix a huge amount of formalin (formaldehyde) to make vegetables look extra fresh or use urea in certain products like puffed rice to increase the whiteness. This makes me both angry and sad. 😠

  14. Okay Teresa has you as a roommate and a flamethrower? Where did she get this luck and what did I do so wrong to deserve my life. Weeps.


  16. 10:51 haha I did not fall for it. I know it’s a prank because I saw a blue food coloring so your an idiot Jarvis

  17. 3:53 Water is also a chemical. Looks like water is an evil product of Satan that I'm never gonna consume ever again then.

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