VIDEO FEVER Episode 3 – DK Bongos

VIDEO FEVER Episode 3 – DK Bongos


Previously on Video Fever… This is definitely the one. Earth. Before we take any action, we’ll need to assess just how dangerous these video games really are. Brutal interrogation it is! Ummmmm. [screaming] COMPUTER VOICE:
You are presently in the Mind Probe Chamber aboard the galactic starship Entesys. You will explain to us what the deadly true purpose of video games is or we will be forced to DESTROY YOUR WORLD. Hello! I stowed away when I heard they were collecting Earth video game experts. I just think they’re neat. If we can get somebody up on to the bridge that’ll give us our shot at shutting down that Planetary Destruction Beam. [crunching metal] [alarm sounds] COMPUTER VOICE:
Controls have been eaten. Ship is spinning wildly out of control. Death is imminent. COMPUTER VOICE:
Hull integrity at 80 percent and falling. If you have any ideas, now would be a good time. Somebody ATE the navigation controls? How do you even do that? I didn’t do that. I didn’t say you did. I meant HOW would you eat them? I didn’t eat them! I know you didn’t! Then why do you keep saying I did? I’m not! Maybe you ate them. I know that neither of us ate them. Because you had that early lunch and I told you… NEITHER OF US ATE THEM! Okay. Okay. I believe you. Just saying that’s exactly what somebody would say if they did eat them. Hey. So… What’s going on up there? Did you shut down the Planetary Destruction Beam? Sort of. It looks like it’s going to work itself out naturally pretty soon. What possible reason could I have for eating the navigational controls on my own ship? Oh. Now it’s YOUR ship. I always thought it was OUR ship. Once the ship crashes, that beam won’t be good for much. But we’re on the ship. If the ship crashes, we’ll all die. That’s bad! Ohhhhhhh. That’s sweet, guys, but don’t worry about me. Three dimensional explosions can’t hurt two dimensional creatures. No. We’re worried about us. WE don’t want to die. Oh. Well in that case you’re going to have to find a new navigational system for the ship. And if I were you I’d make it snappy. You’ve already wasted a bunch of time with this pointless conversation. How are we supposed to fix the navigation system on a space ship? I’ve never even been on a space ship. Okay well that is obviously untrue but okay, you know what, it’s not the point. We have to do something and there’s only one thing we know how to do. We’ll fix it by playing video games. It’s just crazy enough to work. COMPUTER VOICE:
Hull integrity at 60 percent. Please make peace with your deity of choice. Boy I really wish it would stop doing that. Maybe we can bypass navigation by overloading the tertiary fuel conversion system. When the excess plasma is vented via the deflector array the energy cascade should reboot the entire system. You know, I love where you’re going with this but every single word of what you just said is complete nonsense and that definitely won’t work. What we really need is a new navigation system. Unfortunately we jettisoned most of our spare parts into the sun when we arrived to make room for all this cool video game equipment. Seemed like such a cavalier cool-guy thing to do at the time. Well most of it was just overpriced kitchen gadgets anyway. COMPUTER VOICE:
Friendly reminder – Our ship is on fire! There must be something around here we can use to steer the ship. What about the humans? What about the what? The humans. They must be scared out of their tiny primitive minds down there. That does sound like something they would do. Maybe we should force them to play a video game? You know, just to calm their nerves? Isn’t our ship crashing? Like right now? I know, we’ll get the robot to do it. Computer? COMPUTER VOICE:
We are minutes away from an agonizing death, but sure, let me turn on a robot for you. Just have him pick a game at random. And have him make sure the humans are comfortable. COMPUTER VOICE:
Beginning Hal-Cylon activation. COMPUTER VOICE:
Primary directive – Take care of the humans. HAL-CYLON:
Hal-Cylon active. New instructions received. HAL-CYLON:
Now targeting humans. Okay. I think I’ve got this figured out. When your spaceship breaks you have to raise an army of tiny carrot men to gather the pieces of it out of a garden. Why would the pieces be in a garden? You know, wherever they are we’ll go there and we’ll raise our carrot army. But we don’t even know that it’s in pieces and we can’t go anywhere. HUMAN WITH BEARD:
I figure we’ll start by scouting locations. HUMAN WITH BEARD:
See if we can find somewhere that just has a navigation system laying around. Scouting… If we could leave the ship, we wouldn’t need a navigation system. Don’t we know a carrot? I wonder if he can get us a carrot army. HAL-CYLON:
Processing instructions. HAL-CYLON:
Human targets below deck. HAL-CYLON:
Ensure they don’t suffer. Maybe we can steer the ship with this Power Glove®. You know, it looked cool on the box but I’m just totally sure that this thing isn’t going to work. It’s so bad. Now that I’m thinking about it, I may be getting too carried away with this carrot army thing. We could probably get away with any friendly vegetable that can carry fifty times its own body weight. Humans will be silent. Hey! A robot! You got something for us there, buddy? Hal-Cylon brings a distraction from your impending demise. Donkey Kong Barrel Blast I remember this. It was a racing game that used the Gamecube bongo drums. I always wanted to play this. Hal-Cylon serves the humans. Hal-Cylon hopes the humans die painlessly when they are incinerated by planetary impact. Right back atcha, buddy. COMPUTER VOICE:
Hull integrity at 40 percent. Rerouting power from cappuccino machine. (gasps)
My macchiato! So I’ve got this thing rigged in to the main computer but I don’t understand how it’s supposed to control a vehicle. I mean, I can go left or I can go right but I don’t see any way to go up or down. What kind of vehicle doesn’t need to go up or down? Maybe it’s for things that are supposed to crash into the ground. HUMAN WITH BEARD:
Okay. This is clearly a bongo drum game that was altered at the last minute to use Wii Remotes. Sure, but look at everything else that’s going on here. It’s a Donkey Kong Country racing game. Didn’t they already have one of those? You mean Diddy Kong Racing? That game that had Diddy Kong in it for some reason and no other connection to Donkey Kong? Yeah… No. I mean I was thinking of something else. I mean, look at everything going on here. HUMAN WITH GLASSES:
We’re hopping in barrels. We’re jumping on animal buddies. We’re riding on mine carts. Yeah. It’s well done. It’s a fun game. You can chain combos together, boost through the whole stage. It’s great fun. I just can’t shake the feeling that it would be more fun if you had bongo drums. You think so? Yeah. I guess if you get down to it everything would be more fun with bongo drums. Hal-Cylon! Bring me Jungle Beat! COMPUTER VOICE:
Hull integrity at 20 percent. Somebody should probably do something about this. I think it’s working. Take her six degrees port. Six degrees port. That’s not port. I said that’s NOT port. Six degrees port. See? You can even take a complicated platformer and make it work with nothing but bongo drums. And it’s so much better. It’s too bad they didn’t make more games that work with these. Wait. Hal-Cylon, you’re an incredible robot. Can you make more games work with bongo drums? Hal-Cylon is a perfect being capable of exterminating the entire human race in mere minutes. Hal-Cylon would be happy to help the humans play games with bongo drums. Oh man. Science has finally accomplished something that I care about. COMPUTER VOICE:
Lowering mind control helmet. Why did we think this was going to work again? Quiet. BANANAS, PULL UP! PULL THE SPACE SHIP OUT OF THE TAIL SPIN! BANANAS, YOU ARE GOING TO DIE! SAVE YOUR OWN LIFE! Now you. Good cop, bad cop. Oh. Uhm. So, bananas You alright? Can I get you anything? Glass of water? More bananas? BANANAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- You know I wouldn’t have thought that this would be better. But it’s totally better. Yo. Check this. So if you build up your houses and max out your army, like, right away? You can just drop your marines on the enemy hive and cheese ’em before they can even build turrets. Boom. GG. Who ARE you? [Screaming] [Crash] Hey! Any luck finding a new navigation system? A new what? That thing we need to not die. Oh. Right. We’ve been playing video games with bongo drums. So let me get this straight. You can play video games with bongo drums? Yeah. As it turns out bongos are the best way to control anything. Even space ships? Absolutely yes. Ohhhhhhh. That’s the solution to our imminent death problem. Here, give me those bongos. No. Come on. To save everybody’s life? Fine. COMPUTER VOICE:
Structural integrity failing. We seriously have like thirty seconds to live. But I don’t wanna ask the humans. Look, obviously we’re just too intelligent to solve the problem. None of our brilliant ideas worked so we might as well try one of their dumb ones. Can we at least make the robot do it? Computer, call Hal-Cylon. The humans have instructed Hal-Cylon to bring bongo drums. Hal-Cylon enjoys wasting his precious time performing menial tasks for the humans. Worth a shot. Hold on to something. COMPUTER VOICE:
Disaster averted. Hull integrity returning to normal. [Spacemen celebrating] Humans, I hate to admit it but you saved the ship and our lives. I mean, I really truly hate it. Uh. You’re welcome? No. I don’t think you understand. It causes me actual physical pain to admit it. That’s how much I hate it. So what we’re trying to say is we owe you guys big time. Just say the word and we’ll get you anything you desire. Could you maybe let us go and not destroy our planet? [uproarious laughter] [still laughing] [almost done] Okay. Okay. But seriously if you think of anything, just let us know. Yeah. And really, thanks again. Earth. Such an insignificant little planet. The birthplace of Video Fever the most dangerous thing in the universe (probably). So really not insignificant at all. But that’s where we come in. To keep a watchful eye on this galactic menace and, if we have to, blow that sucker up. One brave space ship with two brave Space Captains. Also a robot! We will make our humans work night and day until we understand these video games. Because there is no night or day in space. Just stars and asteroids and stuff. We are all that stands between the galaxy and total annihilation. Who are you talking to? Nobody. Shut up. And the best part about it is… They don’t suspect a thing.

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